I am not afraid!

[Olga]

This is a letter that I emailed to Kit yesterday, three weeks after his Into the Stretch workshop in Hong Kong that was my first direct experience with Stretch Therapy. This is my second time writing about it; the first article was written immediately following the workshop, and can be found here - or via the Stretch Therapy Facebook page.

I address this to Kit, but also would like to share this with the Stretch Therapy community. Something like an "open letter".

Dear Kit:

The changes in my life continue beyond barefoot walking. This Tuesday morning I was on the way to teach my first morning class, sitting in a taxi in a traffic jam and not knowing how big the traffic jam was. I raised my hand to rub the back of my neck - as I usually do because my neck is usually tense and likes being rubbed - and my hand felt SOFT skin and NO tension at the back of my neck. Perhaps, for the first time in many, many years.

As a Pilates teacher, I cannot remember a lesson when I did not have to teach my client the right alignment of the head, neck and shoulders, and not tensing, or over-using the Upper Trap and neck muscles (the usual tension area). I always watch my own head and shoulders position and usually find them flawless - yet my neck often feels tense, and tired at the end of the day, and no stretch can release that tiredness. I kept wondering why. I now have the answer; at least, the answer that makes sense to me.

At the Hong Kong workshop you said once “most tension we hold in our body is protective tension”. I wrote it down. Then another time, when I asked you one of my favourite questions “Aren’t you afraid that…”, you simply answered: “I am not afraid.” And you talked about staying in present and not being afraid of a future incident that may never happen.

And so, when walking barefoot, I started paying attention and staying present. And the fear that I carried on my shoulders about something potentially bad in the future had been lifted. And since there was nothing I feared, there was no longer need for protective tension, and that tension was gone.

It happened suddenly, a switch was turned off in my brain and just like that my neck felt soft. “I am not afraid” is my mantra now

When I tried to figure out what I was afraid of, it came to two things. Being late for the class (I make my living from teaching classes and these are always time-specific); and not meeting my client’s expectations. Now then, I have almost never been late for the class; and my clients love my teaching and keep coming back. And I was still worrying that, one day, I will be less than perfect! Something to do with the way I grew up trying to be perfect, in everything?

(In the workshop, during one of the tea breaks, you asked us, “Who wakes up and can’t wait to go to work?”. No one, except you, said yes. And I started thinking, why can’t I say yes? I love what I do and yet I don’t look forward to my first class so much as you do. And I think the answer is, I am (or rather was) worried - worried not meeting the client’s, or my own, expectations. That worry brought tension that was in the way of really enjoying what I do.)

I can now tell myself, this is very unlikely to happen; and if this day comes, I will deal with there and then. Right now, “I am not afraid”.

The feeling of relief was so overpowering that I could not help sharing it with everyone; especially my clients. To those with tension, I now keep talking about fear, protective tension and staying present. I try to illustrate this via the way I teach exercises. I remind them of the days when they were children (or make them think of their own children) and ask them not to think about the outcome, about potential failure, but just go and do the thing, and see what happens. I ask them not to try to be perfect but be playful. It is such a joy to see them overcoming their mind-driven restrictions and doing things that they did not believe were possible. And I bet they enjoy playing kids again.

Doing things without committing themselves to a perfect outcome, without fearing failure allows my clients to remove their mind’s protective cocoon, and to let their bodies play. And, as you said in the workshop (and as I wrote down), “our bodies are less fragile than we think they are”. And, as long as we stay mindful, fully engaged in what we are doing, there is little chance of an injury.

I hope that that tension free practice that they learn with me they can transfer back to their lives outside my studio.

Other important insights came about once I started to pay attention.

(I cannot tell you how many times I tried to set up a regular meditation practice in the past 10+ years to develop mindfulness. Nothing stayed, and I did not become more mindful than I was ten years ago. Then, starting to walk barefoot for only a few days made me more mindful without my even trying. I now feel that I need a regular intake of it, the way my body needs good, nutritious food on a regular basis.)

Becoming more mindful, more observant made me see more clearly how we modern society people are bullied into feeling fear and worry – by media, by advertising industry, by medical profession. Adverts for the latest flu medicine, new health insurance package or back pain relief - all of them want us to feel afraid of potential future pain and to want to buy protection from this future pain that may never come. Hong Kong people are particularly susceptible to worrying about the future. OK, go ahead and buy the insurance - but then stop worrying about the future disaster! But they cannot, cannot stop worrying. Their all time favourite words towards their children, parents, friends are: ‘Be careful’.

No wonder my poor clients walk around with permanent tension – they are being terrified about potential future dangers that media disseminates around them. And I can help them, via stretching, ball rolling or – better – via showing that there is nothing that they should fear now.

You must be getting such emails all the time. At least I hope so! If you read mine to this point, I want to thank you for reading it till the end :-). Feel free to publish it as a whole, or any parts of it, anywhere, for discussion or use as a testimonial to your method and yourself as a teacher.

After the Into the Stretch workshop, after meeting you, I am also rethinking of the Pilates I teach, but that would be a different story. One day…

Olga Novikova

Pilates/Yoga teacher based in Hong Kong

http://www.facebook.com/olgavnovikova

[chuchodani]

Amazing read, I'll start to apply some principles you exposed to me here.

[Kit_L]

I will post my reply to Olga, as I was moved to expand on a few things:

A digression before, though. Part of the resolution of your neck tension is the change in alignment and foot placement necessitated by walking barefoot, coupled with the massive hip flexor stretches you experienced on the workshop. Adding tension onto a less well aligned structure ("ideal alignment looks like this; position yourself this way") is never as effective as removing restrictions. Back to your letter.

I would be delighted if you post this in full on the Forums, as a kind of ‘open letter’. The pity (among many) of Facebook is that it handles nibbles, not meals, otherwise I would recommend you posting it there. Perhaps you could, anyway (on the Stretch Therapy Page). And, if you wish wherever you post, I can append these remarks, if you find them helpful.

You have had a real awakening, my friend, and without chanting or incense! And the ‘yoga of daily life’ (the ancients spoke of this, meaning the cultivation of moment-to-moment presence, as a continuous stream) is the goal of meditation. I mention this because for many people meditation becomes the goal; it is not; it is only the means by which to see more clearly what is happening when one is off the cushion, in all the messiness of daily life. Much contemporary teaching founders on this fundamental point. And I am fond of saying, ‘anyone can be a saint, sitting on a mountain top, being fed by the villagers’. Being fully awake in the midst of a big city: that’s something.

One or two more points: the vast majority of the population have their experience of the present, where there are no problems, coloured, even poisoned, by events that happened years, or decades ago, and which have gone forever, never to return, or (as you wrote) fearful of a future that will never materialise, or dreaming about a ‘better time’ (on Earth, in some vague future, or worse, in Heaven); all are illusions. You have found that in the present, aware of the breath and taking care of where you place your feet, there are no problems. The mind, which does not exist in the present, creates all of this. The is the deeper meaning of the tattoo on my arm; that phrase from the Dhammapada (first line; so therefore, like all sutras, the key point) means ‘the mind creates everything’. When I saw this clearly, everything changed for me, yet externally everything was unchanged.

Like all animals, the body exists only in the present. Sensations in the body are instant-to-instant phenomena, literally the unfolding present. This is why the body and its sensations are the recommended meditation objects. Speaking more generally, the body cannot project its experiences into the future (hence experiences fear when contemplating the void, like when doing side splits if you can’t do them), nor recreate pain that has gone. Even though literally everyone knows this and has had these direct experiences, the suffering continues.

None of it is necessary—how exciting!

Thank you so much for writing this.

[Olga]

Thank you Kit!

Today I was teaching the standing hip flexor stretch to a (very tense banker) client. A strong, muscular guy, he was able to sustain the pose for only a few seconds! He asked me "why are you so relaxed doing the same thing, and my whole body tenses up so much?" And I thought, I am on my way to get Kit's body I told the guy that my body knows that there is nothing to be tense about in this stretch, that I was put in a much stronger position for such stretch for much longer time and only felt good afterwards. That I do that stretch daily for at least 60 breaths on each side. That if he shows his body that there is nothing to be afraid of, it will relax. Hopefully if I repeat this every time I teach the stretch, some of it eventually get through...

Back to tension-free life, I will post here if any other interesting things come up At the moment I am thinking in two directions. First is about the Pilates I teach and the way I teach it; as you said, "adding tension onto a less well aligned structure ("ideal alignment looks like this; position yourself this way") is never as effective as removing restrictions". We Pilates people are sometimes perfectionists and this just adds tension not reduces it.

The second thing I wanted to explore is a link between allergies and protective tension. As the medical science keeps telling us, allergies is the protective reaction of the body to a harmless substance. Allergies follow me for most of my life. Can I teach my body to reduce the protective reaction to those substances the way I could teach it to reduce the protective tension caused by whatever was on my mind?

PS I have posted a link to this on the ST Facebook page, but I think it won't appear on the Timeline unless it is posted by the Page admin.

[markuszellner]

While reading this thread I was reminded strongly of the quote attributed to Antoine de Saint Exupéry.

"It seems that perfection is attained, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away."

While the quote is misinterpreted (at least originally by me) as encouraging minimalism I actually think that the quote encourages doing less and allowing the fundamental nature of things to exhibit themselves.

The practical example is during class when performing particularly challenging hip flexor stretches.

I have stopped encouraging people to do something to pull themselves further into the stretch and started to encourage people to stop doing whatever holds them out of the stretch and allowing themselves (giving themselves permission) to drop lower into the stretch.

At the least people question *what* they are doing that prevents them from dropping further into the stretch.

Eventually I hope that people figure out *why* they are doing the *what* that prevents them from dropping further into the stretch.

In my own stretch practice this has made a significant difference to my range of motion as well as the sensation experienced during the stretch.

While I have been at this stretching thing for quite a while now it still surprises me that I have only made these discoveries recently.

But then again I am a slow learner ;-).

[Olga]

Markus, interesting view. I need to try this.

At the same time, I also see the quote as leading towards reduction of superfluous and unnecessary and avoidance of adding stuff, in all areas of life. I think the human mind hates to let go of things and ideas, but loves hoarding stuff - insecurity again, and worry about the unknown future. Building the body armour for whatever comes ))

[Jim Pickles]

"Today I was teaching the standing hip flexor stretch to a (very tense banker) client. A strong, muscular guy, he was able to sustain the pose for only a few seconds! He asked me "why are you so relaxed doing the same thing, and my whole body tenses up so much?" And I thought, I am on my way to get Kit's body I told the guy that my body knows that there is nothing to be tense about in this stretch,"

In these sorts of poses I tell my students "only hold tension in the muscles that need to do the work" - the effect is magical - suddenly a lot of tension in the body disappears, only a few muscles are working to hold you up, the others soften, and a position which had been a struggle becomes easy. And you somehow become outside your body - deteached from the remaining effort, looking on at it. This is the feeling I get, and my students get it too, and find it a very valuable cue.

Jim.

[Olga]

A comment on Markus and Jim's posts: When I ask people to relax the muscles that are not required for the current exercise / to reduce tension where it is not required, they simply (1) have no idea where they hold tension and consequently do not know how to release it or (2) they are trying so hard to release that tension that they tense more, perhaps in some other place.

(as Kit says, people simply may have no idea what 'relaxed' means ).

I am trying many ways to deal with it:

The most obvious, I am demonstrating the exercise and let them see, and touch, how relaxed I am while doing it.

I am not requesting but suggesting (so that they have an option; it is their call whether to do it -> no pressure -> no additional tension).

I joke about it (=their favourite body part to hold tension in), we laugh about it together, they relax and drop the tension.

Finally, as I already mentioned above, I make the exercise a play. I don't ask them to do it, we play in doing it. They relax more and worry less about perfect execution. The overall tension goes down.

Any other ways? The question for me is not whether to do it (to make them relax whatever is not needed for the task in question), but the question is what is a good way to do it in the class. With someone not perfectly in tune with their body.

[Jim Pickles]

Some of my students have poor body awareness and I guess that in spite of what I suggest they are not able to do it. The way I run my class, it's not really possible to go round and have touching (it is run like a standard group yoga class, and although we hold poses for longer than in a vinyasa class, I dont want to spend too long on any particular exercise, so that we keep moving on).

I just keep giving the cue, and hope one day that they manage it. I am interested that some who I would say have the poorer body awareness in the class, have spontaneously said what a difference it makes and how much it helps - so I think I'm getting through.

Having said that, there are a couple of older males who have very tense bodies and I dont think they are managing it. In fact, I dont think they ever manage to relax their muscles fully. So I gently work on that when they are in the less demanding positions, when the muscles are holding very little weight - then I use everything possible to encourage them to learn to relax their muscles and what it feels like when they do so (and get them to use their fingers to check the tension in their muscles).

Laughing is a very good method - I must try that. Most of my classes are very SERIOUS. However sometimes I run a splits class which is taken mainly by performers and then I encourage them to smile and look happy in the stretches (something that is of course needed for performance), and tell them you cant be tense if you smile. So thanks for the suggestion, I should make the other classes more light-hearted too.

Thanks for following this point up, Jim.

[Kit_L]

A slight digression, but this is a relevant (to the OP) comment on the 'I feel afraid" theme:

A student wrote to me:

Why do humans seek so hard for meaning, to feel, in everything we do? Yet, if we don't feel, the emptiness is mind numbing. In fact, the emptiness and numbness is so bad it engulfs.

I replied:

This is one of the deepest questions of all. At their root, all humans are pattern seeking organisms; no doubt this has deep evolutionary significance and is buried so deeply in our consciousness that we have no direct access to it. The point is that attribution of meaning (whether accurate or not) is one of the great delusions of being a human being.

And I do not agree with your assertion that if we do not feel, that the resulting emptiness is mind numbing—I can assure you that if you sit still with yourself for long enough that silence, in time, will become immensely nurturing and immensely creative. Your experience is one of the reasons why all the great teachers recommend sitting practice—the ego feels threatened in the contemplation of the void (the emptiness that is the essential nature of existence) and the fear response to that sense of being threatened is hardwired into the system—and this, too, probably has deep evolutionary significance; that is, in our past, it was absolutely necessary for our survival. For most people this is no longer the case.

This is the reason that when I'm teaching, no matter what the question (pretty much), I answer "try to relax more"; the reason here is that the fear response can only be experienced in the body when tension is present. If you can relax when the fear sensation hits you, fear will change into something else. The genesis of the suite of sensations that we call "fear” are simply sensations in the body. Most people are so afraid of feeling fear that as soon as they feel anything even like fear the rest of the process is cut off from them.

I would also argue that we have no choice about feeling: we are alive after all and being alive means that there is sensation in the body. The sensations of the body are, at root, the basis of all feeling. The next time you feel engulfed by sensation that in the moment feel as though they are going to overwhelm you, try relaxing your tummy completely and in the exact moment of doing this put all of your awareness into feeling the multitude of sensations that comprise the movements that we call "breathing in and breathing out”. If you can do this in the moment the experience of being engulfed, or overwhelmed, will change. Please try this and write back to me with what you actually experience and not your anticipation of what you think you're going to experience. This precision of response is where all of the really important work is done. Most people are totally disabled in their normal daily life by the anticipation of a future which never manifests.

[Olga]

 

try this and write back to me with what you actually experience and not your anticipation of what you think you're going to experience.

This is what I am trying with my students right now. When in a stretch position that is beyond the range available to them currently (according to them), they start tensing and are backing off the stretch, I ask them to stay there for a moment and answer me just one question:

 

Are you (1) actually in pain, or (2) you are anticipating the pain that may come?

 

When they answer (2), something like "not in pain but not comfortable either", they can stay in the position for longer. Most often they never made distinction between (1) and (2) before. The thought of possibly being in pain at some point was frightening enough not to go there, beyond their assumed current range.

 

PS Is there any discussion here about dealing pain while stretching? When the answer is (1) I am in pain .

[markuszellner]

For the average level of body awareness in the classes I teach, the instruction to relax all muscles other than the antagonist of the muscle under stretch means very little.

 

I have found that the instruction to stop the action that holds you out of the stretch means much more and is much more actionable.

 

Even then there are some class participants who insist on having something to *do* (as opposed to *stop* doing).

 

I have found humour and other positive distractions (like discussing the anatomy of the body part being stretched) are a very good way to circumvent the 'apprehension reflex' as are the use of supports (bolsters, blocks) to provide feedback.

 

In partner stretching the apprehension reflex is reduced significantly if the assisting partner does not fidget and provides a persistent and insistent weight or force (good partnering is a crucial part of Stretch Therapy in my humble opinion).

 

When all is said and done as a teacher the best you can do is provide a safe environment for effective stretching.

[Kit_L]

@markuszellner: when did you suddenly become so wise?

Hahahahaha!  Thanks for posting this!

@Jim Pickles: so, reduce slightly the number of stretches that you think you have to go though, and incorporate a partner stretch or two: the human to human contact will change everything. You wrote:

Quote

The way I run my class, it's not really possible to go round and have touching (it is run like a standard group yoga class, and although we hold poses for longer than in a vinyasa class, I dont want to spend too long on any particular exercise, so that we keep moving on).

The touching/partner component only needs to be occasional, but it is a core part of the ST method. Partner work will have more deeper and longer-lasting effects on your students than doing more poses in a given time. You do not have to run around and touch everyone; simply let them work with each other. And remember on all the workshops you attended that I taught, I managed to work with—that is, touch—everyone. Can I please exhort you to read this thread:

Quote

http://kitlaughlin.com/forums/index.php?/topic/1116-haptic-intelligence-is-human-intelligence/#comment-12680

There is much hard science content there for you to mull over, my friend.

[Jim Pickles]

Thanks, Kit!

[Jim Pickles]

@Kit_L A bit more on why I run my classes as I do, with relatively little partner work. My regular classes generally have older members (some elderly). While some are very flexible, strong and fit, many are working round various issues - commonly osteoporosis of spine, and with issues in shoulders, knees, hips, etc. So I am very wary of taking them anywhere that might cause damage, or encouraging them to go further than their better judgement might suggest (so no peer pressure, a completely calm atmosphere, etc). While the level of mutual awareness and respect is extremely high, it remains that when someone is in a partner stretch, they are not in control of the situation as much as when they are solo - even though they appear to be communicating well with their partner (which is of course emphasised). As well, some in this age group may have fragilities that they do not know about yet, another reason to be careful.

I am also influenced by the current contortion teaching that I am seeing. Here, teachers I respect (who by the way are females teaching young females) use very little physical contact. Legal reasons come into this too. In contrast, traditionally, contortion teaching has used a high degree of contact and a high level of force, and many people still do this. However, I do not think it is necessary. The teachers I know and respect are extremely successful in the students they produce. The students own strength and control is used to increase the flexibility, and in the end of course they need to be strong and in control of all they do anyway. With the right techniques partner stretching is not needed here. Much better that the student learns to provide all the force needed to themselves. Generally, physical contact is confined to touching feet, or knees, or elbows, to indicate cue and correct alignment, and to spotting as in gymnastics - i.e. supporting someone or helping them move through a position against gravity.

However I should say that partner work lifts the spirit of the classes (both solo and group) and I appreciate the importance of touch in the learning process. Another valuable thing that comes from partner stretches, is that it helps you feel what is going on in another persons body, and how they are responding to the stretch. I guide them to be aware of the multiple phases of flow, stiffening, and relaxation the partner (stretchee) goes through during different phases of the stretch. I have found this very educational myself, and I encourage my class members to learn from it too.

So I will work to increase the amount of partner work in the classes, because it is extremely valuable (thank you for your encouragement) but will need to choose stretches within the constraints above.

Jim.

[Kit_L]

Jim, some brief comments: in the latest versions of all partner exercises, the person being stretched is in complete control of the end position, including the shoulder pushdown and the partner hip flexor, if you are teaching the current syllabus. My comments were specifically directed to the one from you quoted above: I did not suggest that you  need to personally "go round and have touching". I work with everyone on a workshop; that is not a class. I have taught plenty of solo-exercises-only classes, too. The key point here though is that people need to be in contact with each other in this way, from time to time, and over a period of time, with each student working with someone they want to work with; I am arguing that this is a core aspect of the changes we see, and a core part of the work we call ST. It is particularly effective with:

Quote

there are a couple of older males who have very tense bodies and I dont think they are managing it. In fact, I dont think they ever manage to relax their muscles fully.

I have never worked with someone who I cannot lead to relaxing themselves. I wish you had been able to attend the last Overcome neck & back pain workshops we ran in Brisbane, last Friday: there you would have seen a limit case example. 

There are many techniques we can use to bring this about. Contractions and partner work are absolutely vital for these kinds of people, I believe. I have said many times on workshops that many, perhaps most, women can become flexible by only relaxing into stretch positions (over time) but most men can't. This is empirical fact, based on my own experience over many years. So, the stronger and tenser the student, the more they need the contractions and the partner work, in my view.

And when you say: 

Quote

I dont want to spend too long on any particular exercise, so that we keep moving on

My question back to you is why? Sometimes it is far better to stay with a small series of poses and let people work them at a pace and intensity that suits them. The body is more intelligent than the owner; your job is to create the opportunities for each person to explore. As for liability, make sure you have comprehensive insurance; this is why we set the scheme up. If you are concerned about this, this aspect will come through in your teaching. It is a projection of your inner perspectives.

My suggestion about how to partner (in a class or a workshop situation) is always made to the group this way "find someone about your own size and set yourselves up". This avoids pointing to gender, to age, to anything—except to finding someone to work with whom you feel compatible at some level.

The last point is that tactile cueing is something that we all use, all the time, without problems, and have for 30 years. The intention of the person using the tactile cueing is discernible to the 'touchee'. 

 

[Jim Pickles]

Thanks Kit., I wont reply in detail, because I am taking all your points in and will be working on them in my practice.

Thanks again, Jim.

[Olga]

A couple of recent observations, possibly connected with improved awareness.

Understanding better how my mind works, and how it governs everything I do, and how imperfect it is, and how wrong it is most of the times, made me more tolerant to mistakes and imperfections of others, more patient with other people (and a little bit more patient, and less demanding, with myself). It's like a parent watching children playing, fighting, making trouble, and being cool about it :-)

Another unexpected bonus of better awareness is my increased appreciation of classical music. Before, I used to listen a lot of it but in the background. Live performance of a classical piece in a concert setting however really requires continuous concentration in order to be interesting, enjoyable, touching. Gradually, I changed the way I listen to classical pieces from the background/accommpanement to attending more live performances. I think that my improved awareness have something to do with it.  

[Kit_L]

How wonderful. How absolutely marvellous! From the outside: everything looks the same. From the inside: everything different. 

This is the core reality behind the Zen saying, "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water".

IMHO, not "possibly connected with improved awareness" but definitely connected to deeper (more frequent; and/or more sustained) awareness. I remember one of my teachers mentioning that sufficient awareness can render one's karma neutral. This is because when awareness is foreground, one's vasanas* (mental tendencies > karma) are no longer running the show. 

*pluralised here to fit the sentence structure.

[Cherie Seeto]

I recall Kit saying that “We can lead a horse to water but we can’t make it drink. Our job is to make them thirsty.”

Transorming fear, anxiety, apprehension and even boredom, to curiosity, helps build awareness and human connection. Something I have noticed with the older demographic is the lack of contact to another human. Our culture is so politically correct and touch averse, we seem to have backed ourselves into a corner of self isolation.

There is also a tendency to catastrophize a sensation or an experience. “Is that really pain or a strong sensation?” I ask the student. They puzzle over it for a little while and then realize they have a choice about how to experience a stretch. 

In my classes I use novel games to build rapport and fun. Humor goes a long way to relax people too. Partnered stretching seems a logical step after that. 

[jaja]

On 5/23/2015 at 1:34 AM, Kit_L said:

If you can relax when the fear sensation hits you, fear will change into something else. The genesis of the suite of sensations that we call "fear” are simply sensations in the body. Most people are so afraid of feeling fear that as soon as they feel anything even like fear the rest of the process is cut off from them.

A couple of days ago I found this video. Maybe I'm biased, but the way she describes panic attacks and her relationship with them reminds me a lot some of the thing @Kit_L says about fear.