30 Days (at least) of Lying Relaxation

[anteriorankle]

As usual I forgot how the previous night's session went but I'm pretty sure it was quite decent.

Day 42

Not bad. A lot of distractions which got stronger towards the end as has been happening recently. Currently I'm just scrolling back from the very first recording all the way to the most recent just to get to hear all of them. I'm at the second set of Charlottesville right now.

[anteriorankle]

Same as yesterday, can't remember last night's session went.

Day 43

A pretty good one today. Got some nice tingles. Distractions became a struggle as the session went on and I think tiredness started to hit as well. 

[anteriorankle]

Day 44

Not the best session. Tiredness combined with lots of internal and external distractions as well as not being in a great headspace. The relaxation experienced was actually not bad but I think all these other factors took away from that.

[anteriorankle]

Don't remember much of last night's session. I know there were some moments of anticipation as my dad walked by the room and also that I came out feeling quite tired.

Day 45

It was okay. My brother asked me if I was home during the practice so I had to answer him. Then afterwards my phone rung and I avoided moving and just waited for it to ring out before the recording resumed. Distractions were strong and frequent. Headspace is still not great.

[anteriorankle]

Day 46

Got interrupted within the first few minutes of today's practice but then I restarted. I should've logged earlier as I don't remember much about it, but my delay in logging is linked to my reduced enjoyment of the practice and it feeling like a chore. I think it was not too bad but I'm not entirely sure. I know that feeling the breath on my nostrils is still difficult for me and so normally I don't get much out of those sections and possibly end up trying too hard.

Just did another short one tonight. It felt okay but half the time I just wasn't paying attention (not deliberately, but I think it's just not capturing my attention as easily as it used to), which is upsetting because when beginning the practice I was quite focused and felt quite good about it.

[anteriorankle]

Can't even remember if I even did a practice last night (pretty sure I did), so it's safe to say it probably went as all the recent ones have been - distractions, not as enjoyable as it used to be, etc.

Day 47

My dad came home during the session today which gave me a lot of anxiety/anticipation toward him coming into the room. I couldn't focus every time I heard him going past my room. I also held back on the initial breaths because my brother was home. Distractions were strong today and breathing felt stressed and not shallow (probably because of the anxiety). All in all it was okay but nothing special

[anteriorankle]

Last night was not too bad. I ended up having to stop it a tiny bit early but I had a feeling it would happen and so didn't react angrily.

Day 48

Today's session was quite nice besides my breathing and less so my saliva. The breathing often (or maybe the whole time) stayed a bit 'stressed', as in it felt a bit rapid, desperate and just not relaxed, which does happen. Outside of that the depth of relaxation was pretty good, with nice tingles felt in a lot of areas.

[anteriorankle]

Another decent one last night, distractions were tough but relaxation felt good.

Day 49

Pretty good one today - the session was interrupted because of a loud text message that also repeats after two minutes if unchecked, so I was already anticipating the second alert in between. I first reacted quite badly internally, with extreme anger/frustration that my daily session, which I only need 15-30 minutes to do, was interrupted. It's like I almost actively made myself frustrated by choosing that line of thinking. Eventually I put my mind on other things and it began to subside and I ended up having quite a decent session. Distractions were still problematic and for this script there was again a direction to feel the air on your nostrils as you breathe, which I really struggle to feel, but it was still a good session overall.

[anteriorankle]

Not too bad last night. Had to hold back on the initial breaths because it was quite late and didn't want to wake my girlfriend, but outside of that I'm pretty sure it was decent.

Day 50

Also a pretty good one today. Really deep relaxation, felt nice. Distractions and tiredness did their thing, but the relaxation itself was the deepest it's been in a while.

[anteriorankle]

Again I think last night was alright but nothing special/notable.

Day 51

Today was decent, and for some reason (I think just due to the way I was breathing at the time) I could actually feel the breath on my nostrils without too much of a struggle. This didn't last for the entire session but it was cool while it lasted since I normally barely feel it at all. Distractions were quite intense today.

[anteriorankle]

Don't remember last night's but I definitely did a practice just for the sake of noting it.

Day 52

Quite a long one today (35 minutes), which felt pretty nice. I think the additional time allowed for tiredness and distractions to ramp up. They got progressively harder to tackle as the session went on. Good level of relaxation overall today.

[anteriorankle]

Day 53

Decent one today. Breath was being a bit problematic and that desperate gasp thing I've mentioned happened near the end. There were some distractions but I expected them to be worse because I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night. The script today went through a visualisation of going down elevator floors, which I didn't really connect well with as I have a poor imagination and don't seem to get a lot out of those types of things.

[anteriorankle]

The tiredness caught up with me last night and focusing just wasn't happening.

Day 54

An okay one today. My mind was in another place at times but for the most part my focus wasn't too bad. Breath and saliva were a bit problematic at times. Also, something I've been noticing for a while is that I feel my hips feel like they are at different levels - like the right hip/glute is resting more on the floor than the left and that the left is more raised, or the hips are twisted. Could be that I have more muscle on one glute over the other or could be a structural thing. It's also been pointed out that when I go to lie down straight, my neck is turned at an angle, so not in line with the rest of my body, which could be correlated.

[Pat (pogo69)]

On 9/2/2020 at 2:45 PM, anteriorankle said:

I have a poor imagination

Poor imagination or aphantasia?

I experience the latter.  I cannot mentally visualise; anything.  As with many who experience it, I did not know that I was missing out on anything.  You generally don't miss what you've never had, until you realise that not everyone is that way.

[anteriorankle]

3 hours ago, Pat (pogo69) said:

Poor imagination or aphantasia?

I experience the latter.  I cannot mentally visualise; anything.  As with many who experience it, I did not know that I was missing out on anything.  You generally don't miss what you've never had, until you realise that not everyone is that way.

Interesting. Do you see anything in your dreams? I can definitely visualise things, but not very vividly and at times it can take a lot of effort if I need to visualise something more clearly/in more detail. Usually it's just a very rough 'image'. Whether that means I have aphantasia or not, I'm not sure.

[anteriorankle]

Last night's practice wasn't the best.

Day 55

Today was another long one that focused on the breath and had some counting practices. What's weird is that I seem to be able to continue counting even whilst getting pretty strongly distracted, meaning I didn't have to restart the counting. I don't know how I feel about this, because normally forgetting your count is your gauge of when you've been distracted and helps you know when you're focused or not, but I seem to be able to count through the distractions, which seems like a lose-lose. This happens in my meditation as well, where I seem to be able to focus on my breath whilst distractions are happening (for example, a song won't stop playing in my head even though it seems to me like I'm still tracking the breath simultaneously). As well as this, as the session went on I got more and more tired and also less able to feel my breath, which made focusing more difficult. Definitely an interesting session at the very least and quite different from the others.   

[anteriorankle]

I can't properly remember last night's practice - I think it was not too bad.

Day 56

Another long one today. It was pretty good but I started laughing initially during the breaths because I thought my girlfriend was watching (she wasn't) and so it took some time to settle in. My head did hurt a little as I do the practice completely on hard ground when at my girlfriend's and sometimes the contact point can get quite painful. Tiredness also became an issue as the practice progressed but overall it was a decent session. I may do one just now before bed but I'll see.

[anteriorankle]

Same as yesterday, don't really remember but I think it was okay.

Day 57

I thought I'd had a decent sleep last night, but I was struggling to stay awake during today's session more than I've struggled in a long time. Didn't get much relaxation out of it as a result, but it was an interesting battle .

[Pat (pogo69)]

On 9/4/2020 at 2:43 PM, anteriorankle said:

Interesting. Do you see anything in your dreams?

I don't know, really.  Vague images sometimes, I think.  I barely ever dream (or recall dreaming).

On 9/4/2020 at 2:43 PM, anteriorankle said:

I can definitely visualise things, but not very vividly and at times it can take a lot of effort if I need to visualise something more clearly/in more detail. Usually it's just a very rough 'image'. Whether that means I have aphantasia or not, I'm not sure.

There are degrees.  As with most things, variations on the theme.

Intellectualising scenarios is, intuitively how I know I workaround the lack of visualisation.  I had learned out how to create mental models of things, without the visual stimulus, long before I knew it was a thing.

It is interesting.  Very early, so little research, thus far.

[anteriorankle]

Last night was okay - had the usual difficulty of not being able to strongly detect the breath on the nostrils.

Day 58

An okay session, lots of internal distractions that were quite strong and hard to shift away from.

[anteriorankle]

I can't remember last night, but I think it wasn't a great one.

Day 59

Not the best one today, I felt quite fidgety, tense and frustrated during the practice. It did get better with time and the relaxation was decent at the end but there were some difficulties throughout (saliva and distractions mainly).

[anteriorankle]

Day 60

Wasn't in a great headspace when I started, and was again quite fidgety and frustrated. I moved around at some point in the beginning because I was bothered by the feeling of the headphone cables on my skin and 'had' to move them, but adjusting them didn't make the feeling go away. In time, I think things did settle down and although I was still in a bad place, I did get to an okay level of relaxation. Saliva was quite annoying today. Distractions were tough at times but not so bad that I couldn't focus at all.  

[anteriorankle]

I think last night was okay if I remember correctly.

Day 61

Today was another long one. My dad said a few comments to me outside my room which I luckily didn't need to respond to but it did cause anxiety and frustration. I reached a decent level of relaxation but struggled with a few of the sections that focused on observing the nature of the thoughts I was having, where they come from, etc. I never can 'watch' (and I know it doesn't necessarily manifest as an actual vision-based thing) the thoughts pass by passively. There is no defined entry and exit for me - they are either there or not. Often also I'm thinking but can't really tell if I'm thinking if that makes any sense (what I mean is that I suspect I'm thinking all the time so I never experience these spaces between the thoughts that Kit refers to, and I'm sure trying to watch these spaces conjures up more thoughts that I don't necessarily notice either). The reason I suspect this is because often I'll get myself into a negative place but am not exactly sure what the thought was that caused it, even though it very much feels like it was caused by a thought and I didn't just feel negative for no reason at all. I won't be doing a practice tonight as it's getting late and I normally listen to a podcast on Thursdays.

[anteriorankle]

Day 62

Another long one and a decent level of relaxation, however, there were frequent and strong distractions that were tough to shake throughout the session. I did the random gasp thing as well near the end.

[anteriorankle]

I think last night was okay - don't remember much as per usual. 

Day 63

Decent relaxation. Distractions got worse as time went on and tiredness didn't help (I had a bad sleep last night). The aim was to focus on the breath for quite a while but something happens (not sure if I've mentioned it here previously) where if I focus on the breath for long enough it changes and becomes very hard to detect or at least my connection to it weakens and then distractions seem to ramp up as well.