30 Days (at least) of Lying Relaxation

[anteriorankle]

Hi everyone,

This will just be a journal of my experience with lying relaxation for 30 days straight. I will be using Kit's audio files and will probably stick to the same one consistently but that isn't really set in stone yet. I have used the audio files many times in the past but have never stuck to using them daily. I figured I'd keep this separate to my very old and unused previous log because I want this to specifically focus solely on my experience with the lying relaxation practice.

Some other relevant notes are that I struggle with negativity, anger and other unpleasant feelings/sensations in daily life and while I do hope that this practice will work towards improving my mental state, I won't be putting too much pressure on the final outcome. Similarly, I've chosen only 30 days because I tend to feel more negative when there's too big a task and/or it begins to feel like a chore. These feelings will arise even with just the 30 day practice, but I hope because it isn't too daunting of a task that it will be easy to stay committed. In addition, I often struggle to connect with/understand experiences entirely which leads me to not have a thorough recount of the practice - for example, after a lying relaxation I may only have a, "That felt nice, I feel a bit more relaxed and soft" response but nothing more detailed. With that in mind I will try and give as much detail as I can, but that may not be much.

I'm technically at day 3, but since I'm starting the log today and would like notes about every day, I will count today as the first.

[anteriorankle]

Day 1

Some issues:

- My experience was totally different to the last two days because instead of being focused and present, I now was almost forming what I would say in this post/log in real-time which detracted from the experience. It seemed like I couldn't avoid thinking about what to write in this post which caused me to be over-analytical about all the little details of what I was experiencing, ultimately taking away from the experience itself. This was unexpected and I am already having doubts as to whether this log is a good idea and whether it's preferable to just do the practice without the pressure of logging what occurred. However, for now I will continue and I hope it will stop being an issue.

- Whenever I do a lying relaxation practice I almost feel less relaxed/comfortable at the beginning - for example, I will start to fixate on if my heel is in a comfortable position after Kit goes through the process of raising your toes then relaxing, rotating your leg, etc. Once I adjust it and it's in its 'final' position I start to think, "Is this really comfortable?" and start to feel more agitated and uncomfortable with where my heel is resting. As the practice goes on eventually it becomes less of a focus and I do overall begin to feel more relaxed but it does present a minor issue/problematic thought-pattern at first.

- Another thing holding me back from being completely focused was the knowledge that my grandma was near my room and the embarrassment I feel with the initial audible exhales that you do (I still did them but was definitely less present/comfortable than when I'm home alone). Also as soon as I hear her/someone walking near my room I get quite anxious that I will be disturbed and become much more externally focused than internally.

- Saliva and breathing has always been an issue for me. I produce a lot of saliva and need to swallow all the time which is not necessarily an issue in itself, but this seems to actually interfere with my breathing. In addition, at times I will randomly almost gasp as though my breathing has stopped/slowed to the point where my body doesn't feel it's taking enough oxygen in and I start to feel uncomfortable. Of course, both of these things impact the experience but I'm okay with that and for now I just swallow when I need to swallow and sometimes do a deeper breath when the feeling arises.

- I have terrible body control/coordination in some areas, particularly on my face, and will often struggle with a task that would be simple for most. For example, in the audio I am listening to, Kit makes the instruction to raise your eyebrows gently and then to let that effort go, and even attempting to raise my eyebrows can be tricky for me. Other things include not feeling a body-part (cheeks, ears, etc) or it being asymmetric, like being able to feel/connect with the toes on my right foot much more than the left. I feel the asymmetry may perhaps be common though.

Some positives/neutral things:

- At the very least I liked the tingly feeling I seem to get when I do these practices and I did feel relaxed.

- When Kit does the 'body-scan' and it gets to the toes, the corresponding toe being mentioned will twitch/move, but I am unsure if I'm controlling the movement to better picture/feel where that toe is, or if it's completely passive. Nevertheless it feels nice when it happens.

Clearly there are a lot more issues listed here than positives, but that is okay, and is mainly because I lumped some more longer-term issues into today's specific log so that I won't have to continue to mention them in every post. Hopefully in time the positives will start to outweigh the negatives.

 

[anteriorankle]

Day 2

This felt substantially nicer than yesterday's session. There were still definitely a lot of thoughts about what I would right in the log as I was experiencing things - for example, I would think, "I'm feeling way more relaxed this session, I can write that down in the log". It is definitely taking away from being present, but I can just hopefully treat it as another distraction to which I can bring my attention back to the body.

Another thing to note is that because I have listened to the same script consistently, I am catching myself almost trying to speed ahead of Kit, particularly during the body scan, instead of waiting for him to dictate when to move on to the next body-part. It's not a significant jump ahead, but I just may move on half a split-second before he's said it. This is just another thing to be mindful of.

Outside of those thoughts, the session felt quite enjoyable and I finished with a nice tingly and light feeling.

[anteriorankle]

Day 3

When I was a few minutes into starting the practice my friend called my phone, then right after my dad came home, so I had to restart. These interruptions, I think, definitely influenced the session, and I could feel myself anxious at the thought of my dad interrupting or hearing the initial audible exhales. There were a lot of distractions again and the urge to swallow was a lot more of a problem today. In the end, I still finished feeling relaxed and soft and it's nice to walk around afterwards with that feeling. Not much else to report.

[anteriorankle]

Day 4

Today I did the practice on hard floor with only a thin yoga mat (normally I have done it on carpeted floor). There were pros and cons to this - the pros being that I felt more 'connected' with floor and the sensation of it entirely supporting me and the cons being that the feeling of my heels and head digging into the floor was a little uncomfortable (my body is particularly sensitive/painful when on hard ground, especially on any bony areas). There were distractions present as usual but it didn't feel like it detracted from the experience as much as some previous sessions. I had a really terrible sleep the night before so I'm sure this had an impact on the practice. I did feel relaxed at the end of the practice but not to the level it's been after other sessions.

I may do an extra session tonight some time before bed.

[anteriorankle]

I did do another of the shorter sessions last night before bed with my girlfriend. It felt nice overall, however, I was struggling with smiling/not trying to laugh and I always have thoughts of if she's watching me or if she herself is laughing at the thought of us both doing the practice and therefore finding it hard to take completely seriously.

Day 5

Today's session was accompanied by a lot of thought trails and thoughts about thoughts. This was definitely influenced by the fact that after the session I was going to be seeing my friends. Was still a relaxing experience all in all.

[anteriorankle]

Day 6

Today I had a few thoughts of being 'over it' and the activity being a chore as I've mentioned before, I think compounded by the fact that I was spending a while trying to find a space to actually lay down (my house is quite tight and cluttered). I just have to remind myself that those are just thoughts. Saliva again was a big issue/distraction. Despite these things it wasn't all bad, just not as enjoyable as I've experienced before. It definitely seems that the overall enjoyment of the practice is going down since first beginning but I suspected this would happen and I will still be sticking to the 30 days minimum.

The fact that a practice that is intended on bringing out deep relaxation/enjoyment can bring out a lot negativity/conflicting feelings in me shows just how much more work I have to do.

[anteriorankle]

Day 7

Forgot to write this log but I think today's session wasn't too bad. Nothing substantial from what I remember - there were a few distractions throughout but they weren't relating to what to write in the log. Relaxation felt nice and I had a soft, loose feeling afterwards.

[anteriorankle]

Day 8

Today's experience has unfortunately left me feeling immensely furious, frustrated, angry and any other relevant synonyms. To start, there is always a little frustration due to the fact that I don't have space in my room to do the practice (I share a room with my brother and it's very cluttered - I make do and can lay down completely but my hands or feet will be in contact with some items in the room. There's also already the discomfort I feel when people are home and this translates into me hiding the loudness of the initial exhales due to embarrassment (I'm aware I have the choice to not be embarrassed but I'm not close with my family and don't want them knowing I'm doing these activities).

I started the practice and it was going okay but at about 3/4 of the way through I heard footsteps near my room which always causes anxiety in me and I become hyper-focused on that and not on the recording because there's a good chance my brother will be entering the room. He did and so I had to stop the practice. This already put me in a crappy mood and I asked him if he'd be coming back in later and he responded with "Maybe". This left me feeling desperate and I went to go outside to the park to do the practice but it was too cold, windy and wet. I went into another room that I don't like to be in (I don't want to mention exactly why but it leaves me feeling uncomfortable so this already set it up to be difficult to relax) to do the practice, which did have enough space. However, during the practice my mind was just completely elsewhere - I was so frustrated from the previous attempt and that was getting channeled into the current session. In addition, there were a bunch of noises going on which kept putting me on edge that someone would be coming into the room. I ended up finishing the recording but the entire time I just felt tense and not good.

The experience is one of many which has made me really think about if I want to move out of home.

I may try have an additional session tonight if I know I will have some undisturbed time to hopefully end on a better note for today.

Edit:

So I did end up having an extra session, which compared to the previous attempts today actually felt like a proper session. This was substantially better - no disturbances, significantly less anxiety and more focus as a result. I tried a different script this time and it did feel nice to have some variety and not exactly know where Kit was going at every step. Writing this now right after I feel warm, loose and heavy in a good way. It does feel nice that some good eventuated after all the negativity today.

[anteriorankle]

Day 9

Today's session was pretty enjoyable - no one was home and this helped a lot. The classic thoughts were present where at first I was actually feeling more uncomfortable than before the practice and also the thought of not being satisfied with my heel position even after trialing lots of positions. What I've been doing to try and counter this is to accept that there will never be a position right now where I say to myself, "Ah my heel is so comfortable here", so instead I just leave it where it is after the initial movements/contractions and know that it will become less of a problem as the session progresses. If anything, the more I attempt to get it into a more comfortable position, the more I become unsatisfied. I think it's actually the most comfortable when I leave it to rest where it naturally rests after the first contraction.

My breathing did the things it often does, where I may suddenly have to take in a big breath of air/gasp seemingly out of the blue (but I assume it's actually connected to thoughts I'm having and I may be manifesting it to some extent). Also my breath will sometimes feel like it's actually ramped up in speed at points throughout the session rather than slowed down which should be the case. I'm not so sure of this but that is what it feels like.

Other than that, a strong feeling of heaviness and being sunken into the floor which was nice. The usual pleasant tingles as well. I like that the heaviness/softness persists for a while after the practice.

[anteriorankle]

Day 10

One third of the way there. Today's session ended with me feeling very, very relaxed. I sat with it for a little even after the recording finished. I really tried to let the breathing to do it's own thing today, which is an oxymoron. There does seem to be ways to get the breathing to be more relaxed and also I think that certain 'activities' during the practice make the breathing more erratic. I will try to keep an eye on this.

All in all, a great session.

[anteriorankle]

I did another lying relaxation before bed last night with my girlfriend - which was not too bad. Like mentioned previously, I struggle with focusing internally the entire time and might smile at times at the thought of her watching me, or the audible breaths, etc. I don't believe it helped with my sleep, but there were a lot of other factors that may have contributed to this - not my usual bed, having someone next to me, not the most focused relaxation practice, etc. I will continue to do sessions before bed when I feel like it and try to monitor if it has any impact on my sleep.

Day 11

Like the past couple of days, today's practice felt really nice. Started with the feelings of discomfort as usual, but became more and more relaxed as it went on. Focus was a struggle, maybe because I didn't have a great sleep last night. 

[anteriorankle]

Did another lying relaxation last night before bed. From what I recall it wasn't too bad. I did end up having another crappy sleep but I think that's because of being at my girlfriend's house, it being a different bed, etc.

Day 12

Today's relaxation was okay - not terrible but not that enjoyable either. Had the classic initial uncomfortable feelings and also some anxiety throughout I think. Distractions were strong/focus was off. I think I was also cold and this may have contributed to the experience. I would like to do another one at some point today/tonight to try and have a deeper/more enjoyable session.

[anteriorankle]

Again, last night I did a second relaxation practice which went a little better than the first, but nothing substantial to report. Sleep unfortunately was still not great.

Day 13

Today's session was average again - not too bad considering my brothers are both home and that normally puts me off. Achieved definitely some level of relaxation but just not as deep as it can be. A few distractions and a couple of sneezes haha. I think I will do another session tonight as has been the case recently. 

[anteriorankle]

Day 14

Not the best session today - lots of anxiety and discomfort at the start. It wasn't the worst session but just wasn't that effective. Will try and do another one tonight, and of course will report if I do. I've noticed there are some longer recordings - I saw one around 45 minutes. I would love to explore a much longer session and see how that feels in comparison to the 17 minute one I currently do.

[Nathan]

If you have the time, please do! Some of my favorites are the Govinda Valley recordings. There are two sets and I don’t remember which I liked better, but it can’t hurt to try them all 

[anteriorankle]

10 hours ago, Nathan said:

If you have the time, please do! Some of my favorites are the Govinda Valley recordings. There are two sets and I don’t remember which I liked better, but it can’t hurt to try them all 

Last night I did a longer one and it was fantastic. I chose it because it was 47 minutes long, but it turned out the first section of it was people asking Kit questions, which was enjoyable in its own right. It still ended up being a bit longer than the current one I do and I loved it. It avoided the heel position tweaking which always causes me issues and focused on the hand/wrist squeezing/relaxing, which I always enjoy. I still think I will stick to the same recording for the main daily practice just for the sake of consistency but try out the ones you've suggested if I get time to do a second session that day.

[anteriorankle]

Day 15

It was nice. A few distractions and the discomfort at the start but overall not too bad. I am more and more considering changing to a different recording that I seemingly relax more deeply to. The reason I was originally unsure about this is because Kit talks of people in meditation always trying to change things up because it's too simple or boring, when that is the essence of the practice. However, I think the intention in the practice I'm doing is solely for deep relaxation/connection to the body so maybe I should change to a different one if I'm not enjoying the current one as much as others I've tried?

[Nathan]

Either choice is valid. Working with the recording that you enjoy less will show you things about how your mind works (aversion, reactivity, etc.) that using the enjoyable recording might not. But working with the more enjoyable recording will indeed likely result in greater/deeper relaxation. At this point in your practice (i.e. still establishing a practice), I would probably suggest opting for the deeper relaxation, and thus the recording you prefer.

[anteriorankle]

Did a short one before bed last night - that was quite nice. Don't remember there being anything significant to note.

Day 16

I've passed the half-way point now, but it feels like it's gone by very quickly. Today's session was pretty good - I used a different recording for the first time for the main practice. It was a 27 minute one from the first set of the Govinda Valley recordings. I have noticed I start to get a bit cold as the practice progresses which Kit mentions is natural as you relax. Today I already started a little cold though, which definitely would've influenced the depth of my relaxation. Nevertheless, it was quite enjoyable. At some point during the practice (I'd say definitely after half-way) I/my body did the gasp thing I've mentioned where it rapidly intakes a big amount of air quite violently. From this point on the level of relaxation/heaviness I felt declined and didn't ever go back to the point it was at prior. It didn't completely take away from the experience but it certainly had an effect. Lastly, because for me letting the breath do its own thing is a struggle, the pausing of the breath section was tricky to stay as relaxed. Overall it was not a bad experience and I think I will continue trying different recordings for the main session. 

[anteriorankle]

Day 17

I'll be staying with some friends for the next few days and it is a little difficult to completely get peace and quiet. I may not be able to properly report the experiences but I will do them nonetheless. 

Today's practice wasn't that deep due to the reasons mentioned above. A little anxiety about the possibility of them hearing me and also I got distracted quite a bit (had less than 5 hours of sleep last night so this definitely influenced that). Overall it was okay - a little relaxing and nice, and I'm glad I at least got to do some practice, regardless of it not being very deep.

[anteriorankle]

I'm back home now. While I was gone I still did the practice every day but very poor sleep, lack of privacy and the cold meant the sessions were far from ideal. I'm going to label tomorrow's practice as 'Day 17' and treat the past few days as a separate thing.

[anteriorankle]

Day 17 (2.0)

Felt good to have another very relaxation session as it's been a while. Tiredness caused a lot more distractions, I believe. Difficulties were in the breath being a bit sporadic which is common as well as pausing of the breath. Outside of that I felt soft, heavy and warm. Great. 

[anteriorankle]

Day 18

Breath and swallowing/saliva were quite problematic today. The breath sometimes would be quite fast and not soft/slow, which is a lot less relaxing and I just can't get as comfortable. My saliva is always a problem, as I produce a lot of it, but it seems to maybe be linked with the breathing issues as well. In addition, I've noticed that every time there's a new step from Kit (for example, after focusing on the hand, he then says to put your awareness on the breathing) I will have to swallow during the transition. The focus from Kit to look in the body for sensations of 'wetness' then sends me into a swallowing spree and it's quite difficult to relax because my focus is on the saliva in my mouth and the urge to swallow is amplified. Despite all this, the practice was still enjoyable, and the issues aren't anything new. 

Edit: I just thought that perhaps the extra saliva issues are linked to the fact that I was a bit hungry. It could also be general water intake throughout the day plus a bunch of other factors, I'd assume.

[anteriorankle]

Last night I did a second session and the results were interesting - I had the usual soft, fuzzy feeling but also was feeling almost tired/groggy afterwards. My guess is that my body was getting the idea that it was sleep time and so coming out of it left me feeling a bit off.

Day 19

Achieved a decent level of relaxation, but again breath and saliva were the problem. I saw a sleep specialist a while ago and was told that I have a bit of a narrow airway and will probably develop Sleep Apnea/constricted airways as I age. I've always thought that the narrow airway might be what's causing the breathing issues during meditation/lying relaxation but I can't be sure. The saliva thing is often problematic and a huge barrier to deeper relaxation and I believe has some connection with the breathing issues, as I think I've mentioned before.